Two Stories and a Moral

My wife and I were talking recently about the concept of Fair but Not Equal as it relates to our own kids and to students in school.  This is an important concept for us, and I hope the following two stories illustrate why.

The first story comes from Lisa.  After our conversation, she shared with me a children’s story, A Tale of Three Ralphs, by Miriam Minkowitz and illustrated by Debra Solomon.  Like many children’s stories, the lesson taught in this tale resonates with both children and adults.  (If you don’t believe in the power of children’s books, read I’ll Love You Forever and Tacky the Penguin.  One will make you cry, the other will make you laugh, and both have incredibly important messages.)

The second story comes from our school, but I’ve changed names and a few details to maintain confidentiality.  I suggest to you that both stories are True—with a capital T.  They present one of life’s important lessons.

A Tale of Three Ralphs

In this story, a mother and father, right before the birth of their son Ralph, decide they want to be the fairest parents in the world.  To be fair, they decide, means they must treat each child exactly the same, which seems like a great idea—until child number two arrives. 

When their second child is born, in order to stay true to their ideals, they know they must name their newest daughter Ralph, since that would only be fair.  And since one Ralph is in diapers, it is only fair to make the older Ralph, who is potty trained, wear diapers, too.  Being fair becomes even more complicated when Ralph number three, another girl, arrives on the scene.  All three Ralphs must be treated exactly alike.  When one gets a cold, they all three get nose medicine.  When the newborn takes a nap, the older siblings are forced to nap in cribs that they have long outgrown.

Illustration by Miriam Minkowitz

When the children are older, they complain that the parents aren’t being fair.  “How can this be?” the parents ask.  “We’ve brought up each of our children exactly alike—with no exceptions.” 

In the end, of course, the parents of Ralph, Ralph, and Ralph come to understand that fair means giving each child what he or she needs in order to be successful, and this means treating their children as individuals with vastly different needs.  In other words, fair is not equal; rather, fairness occurs when individual needs are met.

The parents develop a new Golden Rule for their family: “Since no Ralphs are just like their sisters and brothers, what’s good for one Ralph might be bad for others.”  The author ends with the moral of the story in the form of an obscure reference to the more famous line from Hamlet, “To each Ralph be true.”

Another Child’s Story

Last May, a colleague of yours was walking to the office and came upon a student, Jennifer, sobbing in the empty hallway.  The teacher didn’t know Jennifer but recognized she needed help so escorted her into an empty room in order to allow Jennifer to compose herself.   Eventually, the student asked for a Kleenex, said she was feeling better, and prepared to go to her scheduled class.  Before she went, however, Jennifer shared a little of why she had been crying.

Jennifer and her mother lived alone.  Over the past year, her mother had developed a debilitating illness and had been unable to work.  Money was tight.  Jennifer’s mother had applied for assistance from social services, which was supposed to start soon.  In the meantime, they had received help from friends and family.

To help out with finances, Jennifer had taken a job at a fast food restaurant and was working too many hours.  She struggled to balance work, home life, and school.  In the past months, she had started to miss deadlines, her grades were in a free-fall, and she wasn’t sure she could hold things together much longer.  Her tears that day came after she had turned in one more incomplete assignment.  Jennifer knew the work wasn’t finished when she turned it in, and she knew the classroom rule was that no incomplete assignments would be accepted. 

Jennifer thought and hoped she could still pass the class, but at that moment in time had been so overwhelmed she could do nothing but stand and cry.  By itself, the late assignment would not have caused a breakdown, but it was the proverbial last straw.

Your colleague didn’t blame Jennifer for her tears.  Life is not fair.  It does not give equal gifts and challenges, and at times, a perfectly good response is to sit and cry.

Your colleague, however, did take some steps to intervene on Jennifer’s behalf, and over the course of the next few weeks, Jennifer received help in a variety of ways.  She got back on track in most of her classes and finished the year fairly well.  Her classroom teacher, when he learned of Jennifer’s situation, came to the same conclusion as did the parents of Ralph, Ralph, and Ralph.  He decided that fair is not always equal. He decided that fair meant meeting the needs of this student.  To be fair to Jennifer, he gave her an extension on the assignment and spent a little extra time with her each day in class to support her until the end of the school year.

The Moral of the Story

Last Tuesday, Matt stood in front of the gathered HSE staff and eloquently argued for each one of us to get to know our students well.  When he finished, we responded with a spontaneous round of applause.  It was an important moment, one I know I will remember. 

As educators, we know the positive impact of relationship-building on improving student learning.  The research is crystal clear on this topic, but relationship-building is more than just about learning.

These two stories offer a lesson about fairness.  If we believe being fair is the right thing to do, and if being fair means, “meeting the needs of individual students,” then knowing our students well is more than just a good idea or good pedagogy.  It is a moral imperative. 

In order to be fair to our students, we must know their individual needs.  This applies whether the need is to help a struggling student or to extend the learning of a high achiever.  Being fair might mean knowing when to offer a word of encouragement, when to call home, when to hold firm to a standard of excellence, when to have a difficult conversation, when to share a joke, or when to give a kid a second chance.  These stories suggest that we must know the student well in order to be fair, because treating each person exactly the same, regardless of the individual situation, may be inherently unfair.

Fair but not equal is bit “messy” and leaves a lot of gray area for professional judgment.  Fair but not equal is, however, the way we treat our own children, and the stories of the three Ralphs and the one Jennifer, (who, by the way, still walks our halls this year) remind me of the importance of this concept. 

I hope your week is a good one, a fair one, and one in which you find equal measures of joy and learning.

Phil

“Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.” 

         --H. Jackson Brown, Jr.