The Forces of Perversity

You are surrounded!  Hundreds of students pour through your doors each day, you meet with many colleagues regularly, and you often interact with parents and community members.  Inevitably, when dealing with this many people, you are going to find yourself in times of disagreement and even conflict.

It shouldn't be unexpected, but conflict often catches us by surprise.  It might come in the middle of a class discussion, it might arrive in the form of an unpleasant and vitriolic email or poorly timed phone call, or it could occur at the check-out counter at Kroger or while on a walk through your neighborhood.

For years, my father has used the term “Forces of Perversity” to describe the way these things happen.  The confrontations tend to come when we least expect them and may catch us when we are tired or emotionally drained.  Maintaining professionalism when the Forces of Perversity strike is not an easy task.  For most of us, the first and most natural response is “Talk and Defend.” We think we can quickly make difficulties go away if we take charge of the conversation and talk fast enough.  While understandable and perhaps even immediately satisfying, this approach can cause more problems than it solves. 

It may be counterintuitive, but putting in time up front to really listen, will inevitably save you time in the long run.  The reason is simple: the real issues often are not apparent—or even mentioned—in the first interactions.  It takes work to get to the heart of the matter, and it takes time.  Until we understand the underlying issues, our comments and responses may well be superficial and unproductive at best.  And at worst, our comments may come across as combative or alienating.

Find Time and Space

When you find yourself caught off guard, the first step is to buy the time and find the space you need to really listen.  “I want to understand more.  Let’s set up a time to talk.”    These words are magic.  Use them when others are around, especially students.  For some reason this concept of finding time and space is easy to forget in the heat of the moment, so memorize these words and have them readily available.

Once you have the time to talk, Dan Rockwell, a leadership consultant, gives several ideas on how to approach combative situations. 

• Stay Calm: Monitor your calmness level while listening. Imagine yourself watching yourself. Self-awareness usually does the trick, and calmness is an invitation that says people matter.
• Body Language: Open your hands and hold your palms up, or sit with your arms open.  Your body should reflect the openness of your mind.
• Ask Questions: Ask at least three questions before making one statement. Assume you don’t understand the point being made.  Use clarifying questions to get to the real issues.
• Explore Options: Forget your answer.  Test and explore theirs, rather than defend.   See if you can get to the heart of the matter, and assume the other person has a large piece of the puzzle you are putting together.

Together is the key word.  Together you can start resolving the conflict, and together you can begin to address the issues.  Real solutions require listening, clarifying and co-creating responses.

Rockwell adds a “bonus” suggestion:  express gratitude.  We should be thankful that students or parents have opened doors to conversation and problem solving.  True, these doors aren’t always opened in the time, place, or manner we would prefer, but it does begin an important process.

Expect the unexpected, HSE.  Have a plan for when you are bushwhacked.  Arm yourself ahead of time with a strategy to battle the Forces of Perversity.  The odds are good they are hanging around waiting for just the wrong moment. 

Have a great week!

Phil

Kudos this week to Natalie, Paula, Jacquie, and all of you who helped make Homecoming Week so much fun for the students.  From hall decorating on Sunday night to the Saturday dance, it was a great week to be a Royal.